Sunday, November 25, 2012

Realizations at the Worst Time

Sometimes epiphanies happen when you least want them to occur-
Reality isn't something everyone is always ready to acknowledge.
The realization that the more you like someone, the less they may like you, feels like a boulder sitting in the base of your stomach. Eventually you have to concede that everything you're doing to try to garner their affection may actually be encouraging them to reject you more.
At what point do you accept the best thing you can do is stop trying? When do you know that you can endure the pain of letting them go? What is going to happen to me, to him?

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Uncontrolled Memories and Imprints of Kisses Good Bye

Rain, there is no rhyme or reason to predict the pattern in which the droplets meet the concrete, all there is to know is that each droplet will not cease falling until their descent has been obstructed-
Sometimes I feel like my memories are the same. 

The memories I want to forget find unpredictable ways to be remembered becoming the cause for whimpers. If those sounds could be translated to words, they would tell you that I'm not always right and I don't always make the best decisions but for a while I've had to endure the continuous onslaught of your image and the sincerity you possessed. Yes, I've forgiven myself for my misdeeds but my stomach still turns when I remember how I made you feel, and still, I'm naive enough to hope that structures can be built on this unsteady foundation. Maybe part of me has resigned itself to quit pushing so hard for a future you wont let happen and to relish the moments that are happening in the present. Right now, you're here, its unfair for me to demand much else.

Someday I want to tell you thank you for: sharing your smiles with me, embracing me in your arms, laughing with me during my insanely awkward moments, and for letting me kiss you when there is nothing else I can do. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Slipping Colors


I’m gasping for air because of this image you’re suffocating me with-

Scolding me! Reprimanding me!

-always telling me to behave, to stay quiet, and to smile.

 I’m beyond your portrait of perfection; the thinner I have thrust upon it is blurring the lines and mixing the colors.

Freedom feels so much better than being bound by your rules.

The difference between you and me is that I’m not afraid to let go of everything and plummet because I embrace the freedom of the fall.

Words Cold like your Heart in my Palm

What I did wasn't right but in my mind it was fair. You cornered me once, while I was defeneless and left me with altimatims and fought against my decisions. My mistake was that I concedd.
This time I stripped us both of our defenses, and did not back down. I said the words that broke you and refused to take them back. I watched you fall and felt your hate. Perhaps I am a cold hearted bitch whose void of any emotions, or perhaps Im tired of feeling unhappy. 
I don't love you, I stopped months ago. Nothing is worth this facade and I can't say I'm sorry.
I dont mind taking in all your hatred, I deserve it. I was the one who made you fall.
I will stand here until you can pick yourself back up.
Throw your words at me, and shove your outbursts in my direction; exhaust yourself of all those feelings.
When youre done Ill still be standing, waiting for you to walk away from me.

Decisions Made, But Not Regretted

Sometimes you write things with every intention of posting it for everyone to see. Your pure motivation behind each picked and plucked word is to form methodical composition of your raw emotions. But then you stop when the choices are given to you; should you share with everyone or keep it private. And then you really consider what you’re doing.
Is your own release worth someone else’s suffering?
It's not sane or justifiable to have one's moral stressing at the seams over such a minute decision.
The simple reaction would be to click share; but time slowed down to a pause for a reason. The reason is so complicated and made up of so many events but the conclusion is simple. It’s not worth feeling good for a moment while being aware of the suffering you've caused someone else. The burden of that injustice is unsettling and unforgiving.
In the end, you decide not to share.

Confessions Approached with Tepidation

Sometimes we seek empathy from our peers and expose our scars to acquire their understanding; but we do not do so confidently. Before I confess any of my secrets, an emotional warfare arises inside me against my logical half. When the battle is over, I confess with extreme trepidation.
Today such an event occurred; of course sympathy isn’t always the earned prize. Instead, berating’s on my character that was created to satisfy their stereotype of “me” occurred. 
There is a reason why I don’t always confess what I’m thinking with words; reasons why I stop and stutter mid-sentence instead rushing forward with reckless abandonment. I stop because if I always said what I thought when I felt it, more people would feel like me. I would have to be the ignorantly sanguine person you assume I am to not feel the morose opinions you have of me.
I’m willing to write my thoughts because I’m allotted time to create sense of my emotions (ironic since I’ve been considered to be emotionally void). This sounds like self-pity but it’s merely an observation; if you’re feeling attacked perhaps its suppressed guilt you’re refraining from acknowledging.
Everyone has their own opinions of "me", or at least the adjusted self that was developed to fit into their environments provided for me. 
If you think little of me, then know you’re belittling the "me" you created since you were too adamant in your judgments to to know the "me" that exists.

Shatter Me the Way You Like

How many words does it take before I start to see your lie? How can so many people think the same thing about someone? At what point did I start to become numb to their opinions?

I read your words and hear your voice; do you even believe what you say anymore? I absorb your hate and feel it down to my core. My foundation is breaking. It’s getting harder to look in the mirror.

Fake smiles for forced photos; the charade of fond memories created for you.

Every time you lie to me, I break a little more. Do you really want to watch me shatter?

I'll spare myself from your face, and nurse my own wounds. Don't pluck at my sympathies  or act like you're intrested in my life.
I don't need your friendship, I have myself.

You wonder why I’m so cold and numb; you created this "me".

The Bitter Tide Inside

Looking through photos, I lose myself in the memories of what once was- the bile builds, rising up inside me.
I feel the fist of regret clench around my stomach And I fight to hold the contents down.
My wrist burns with tears I’ve forgotten- Life is overwhelming me like a current and I can’t plant my feet.
My body is being carried from moment to moment,
When am I going to be ready to live and move myself forward?