Sunday, November 28, 2010

Revelations of Falling

Sometimes we chose to fall because it’s the closest we can get to flying.
Thirty stories. That’s supposed to mean something--why doesn’t it? I stare at this large structure and I suppose I should feel afraid, but I don’t. I must feel what it’s like.
The journey up is slow and I notice air is chillier as I ascend, but I disregard the numbing sensation on my exposed skin.
I chose this.
I’m unable to distinguish the figures of people below me; I can only discern the orbs of lights. My chest is starting to ache and my stomach is beginning to twinge but I ignore it and continue my climb.
I chose this.
Finally, I reach my destination at the top. My body is trembling from the frigid weather but that doesn’t matter, because this was my choice. I’m suspended above ground and I can’t help being intoxicated by the surrounding beauty. However, I feel the brute inception of self-preservation; my nerves are working to ensure there is no vacancy in my mind for valiant ideas. For the first time I look straight down and realize extremity of my elevation. I can feel the acid bubbling up my esophagus. It warrants no consideration though; it’s too late. My decision is final.
I force my eyes to look out into the distance and appreciate the allure of the lights. It helps; I can swallow my caustic creation and continue to eviscerate my apprehension. I realize knowing that I chose this soothes me, so I mentally recite it over and over again. It becomes my mantra.
I chose this.
I’m ready.
I let go-
And I fall.
I can’t feel anything. There are no thoughts occupying my mind. I can’t scream or close my eyes. I can no longer control anything. I’m unable to fathom that I am no longer breathing. It seems that my body has taken my last breath hostage, and due to the time that has elapsed, my last heart beat induces a neglected epiphany: the realization that this won’t be so terrible. I’m already dying. This is the start of my perturbation, but it’s endurable because I wanted to know what it feels like to fly, even briefly, before I lost myself.
I know gravity is pulling me down, but feeling the force of the breeze beneath me is distracting.
Milliseconds have disguised themselves as minutes.
I know impact is near; I can see it, but I can’t close my eyes.
I chose this.
I feel the impact. The last breath my body had been holding hostage is released. Time has never seemed so relative. Compared to my life, it’s startling how quickly this has ended. However, I’m incapable of summoning regret or remorse.
I chose this.
Now I know what it feels like to fly, because I chose to fall.

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