Friday, November 8, 2013

Ten Months in a Nutshell

For 10 months you were a mistake,
and I stayed with you,
My excuse is that some days we have to take risks to know if there are consequences.

If I were smarter I would have seen the end, but I’ve never been a quitter and that persistence showed me who you really were.

You were a man who could use my body for his own release, while telling me you loved me, then ask leave to right after.
                              But that wasn’t the only time you ended a moment with me for your own needs.
I was vulnerable and confessing my uneasiness with my last check-up, and before you could register feeling any sympathy, you asked to leave again.

               Perhaps, it was the rejection that drew me to you, like a moth to flames.
This feeling of inadequacy was foreign and maybe I just wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough.
Excuses aside, I still stayed with you.

               And you still told your friends how I act when you asked to leave, but you never confessed the things you had said. You didn’t want your female friends to judge you poorly.
                              Only me, because you said I was an alpha and had already presumed they wouldn’t like me.

You were correct.

Before I met anyone you cared about, you told me how they didn’t like my face or how I photographed.
               You were able to spill all those words to me and then have the audacity to ask me to be nice.

You should’ve known you were setting me up for failure, and I should’ve been aware that you didn’t care.

You asked me to be supportive with your family, and I was.

 I gave you a piece of me, while exposed in nature to provide you with comfort, but my gift didn’t seem to satisfy you because you never acted grateful.

I had a surgery nearing, and you and your female friend wanted to travel and hike.
               I had waited a month for this surgery, and worked the date around for you before;
Now, several days until, and you want me to change everything.
               I couldn’t and I didn’t have the courage to ask you to stay, because I was afraid of the truth.
                              Afraid because I knew you wouldn’t.

I was ready to leave you then!
You hadn’t asked how I was or how my surgery went.
               You had your friend write me and harass me saying I was making your vacation miserable-
I was just told I was still too sick to operate on.
               I felt bitter and sick inside.

You crept into my room in the middle of the night and I woke up to you beside me.
               You thought by driving back and presenting me with flower would patch the hole;
               Nothing you could offer would have fixed the pieces of me you broke, but I still forgave you.

My chest still tightens as I think about June and all the truths you hid.
A different female friend had entered your life, one you had history with-
               I would catch glimpses at some of your messages and a part of me knew she liked you and I could see you liked the attention.
                              I advised you against writing her so often so either of you wouldn’t get confused.
                                             I pleaded with you not to call those video chats titles like video dates, but you and those two female friends had no cares for me.
                                             Of course this was obvious because of the things they said about me and to me, and how you never thought to stop them or protect me.
You just told me to be good.

You told me not come between you and your friends, and I eventually stopped trying to defend myself.

One night in June, while I was lying in bed beside you, I felt sick every time I looked at your face.
 I couldn’t stand you. In that moment I hated you more than I had ever hated any man before and I didn’t know why! I couldn’t justify it.

               I had to be losing my mind.
                              I snuck out of bed and sat in the shower, sick and disgusted with myself for having so much loathing for you.
I was scared of feeling that way again and scared of my room. Maybe it was a fragrance making me crazy, or maybe I didn’t want to accept knowing something I was not ready to admit.
               I lost my best friend to defend you, because I thought you were worth it.
But through all of this, you had a crush on someone else and were cheating on me.
               You were lying to my face every day, and making me feel insane.
                              You were still telling me you loved me and we were still sharing the same bed.
You hid the truth from me.

A car hit you, and I felt numb. I didn’t know how to feel because I didn’t know why it happened.
               I rushed to see you and decided to stay with you.
                              You started to treat me better, until the girl you liked moved back.

I was at a wedding as your date, with your friends, and she was there.
               I did not have history with everyone like you two, so I relied on you to keep me comfortable.
She kept staring at you and those same two girls pulled you up from the table to take photos while they acted as if I wasn’t there. I stayed sitting silently, waiting for you.
               I came back from the restroom and she is in my spot nuzzled against you complaining how I make things awkward.
                              Yet you could not understand why I felt hurt.
She repeated her actions against me through the night and when I asked if “we” would have to be alone with them again, you replied that I would not have to.
               You would make comments about missing them and telling me how you gave them up for me.       
                              I was willing to sacrifice moments of my happiness to be around them again because you were in love with me.
You hid truths again.

Eventually their responses to a group meeting made it back to me.
               It was hard getting you to be honest, but once the truth started to trickle out you could not stop.
                              You did not stop and you left me crying.
This is why it all ended.