Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Memories of an Accident

I want to say I'm scared, or terrified,
because I really fucked up this time.
I wish I could say it's Life out to get me,
and that nothing is actually my fault.
Its luck, and mine is just bad...
but then I would be lying.

If anything,
it seems more and more like I'm hell-bent on sabotaging myself and life is just sadistic enough to keep saving me.
The signs were there (even literally), and I choose not to acknowledge them-
That is what makes it my fault. 

This week I've displayed mild narcoleptic tendencies;
I haven't fully been in my right mind, and even though I was slightly aware of it,
I choose to ignore my problems.

My arrogance is my own fault.

I was driving home Friday night, and I was tired, but I didn't care-
I just wanted to be home.
I wanted to be in my bed and see my family-
so I decided I would drive myself home.

Earlier that day I hadn't been feeling my best,
I walked into several things (including a sign that said STOP) and chose to ignore all of that.
I thought about packing myself coffee, but decided that would take too long.
I thought about swinging by Wendy's to get a twisted freeze,
but that was out-of-the-way.
I even contemplated stopping at the pilot station to fill up on gas and buy an X-treme coffee while I was there...
but I was so tired, I just wanted to get home.

 I nodded off once,
right after I got on 152, but it was a straight way-
I would be safer and more aware, I wouldn't do that again.

I felt drowsy a few miles later and literally slapped myself.
An image of my palm blossomed on my face and tears bit at my lashes.
I pulled over because lights started flashing behind my eyes,
I massaged them with the palms of my hand, willing myself awake.
I rolled down my window, signaled, and pulled back onto the road.

The drive was so relaxing,
and rolling by so fast.
I had just passed Dos Palos, I was no more than twelve miles from home.
I could make it without stopping- I was so sure of it.

The road continued, I blinked my eyes, and they didn't open again.
I was being tossed, my head bounced of my steering wheel, my body stiffened-
and I became wide awake.

The sickening sounds of steel crushing against steel engulfs me,
tightening my throat.

I don't remember what happened as much as I remember the sounds-
the sounds of friction from my car concaving against the rail,
and the screams of my wheels screeching across the street.

I had pulled myself off the rail.
I pushed in my clutch and put my car in neutral;
I pumped my brakes, while my arms were fighting to keep my car straight.
I managed to align myself, pull off the road and turn on my hazards lights.
I don't recall thinking, or feeling anything- just acting.

I pressed my head against the steering wheel and trapped myself in an infinite loop of what just occurred.
I willed myself to believe it was a dream,
that none of this was real!
I would wake up, safe and warm in my bed,
this hadn't happened to me...
not again.

Maybe moments later,
although I would disagree and say an eternity,
I struggled and pulled myself together.
My hands fumbled beneath me,
searching for my discarded cell phone.
I found it.

I tried forcing my door open, but my body was beginning to feel sore and the door wasn't budging.
I unbuckled my seat belt, crawled over the center console and forced my legs to un-budge the passenger door.
I used what little light my cell phone was giving off and attempted to inspect the damage.

Where my head light should have been, was a crunched-in space.
The front passenger tire was blown,
the rim was mutilated,
the entire passenger side of the car was concave in,
and the brake light was out.

It was cold outside at 4 am,
but I couldn't really feel it.

I accepted my shame and crawled back into the car and locked my doors.
I reached around on the floor, trying to re-collect my unintentionally misplaced items:
I found my purse.

Inside my purse I located my wallet and searched for my AAA card;
using the light from my cell phone I dialed the number and gave the operator my location:
"I'm on 152, I just drove through Dos Palos, maybe four miles ago, and am heading to Los Banos.
My car is in front of a sign that says Carlucci Road".
It takes them a while to find my location,
while waiting my body begins to feel chill of the night.
Talking to them took more energy than I thought.

I call Corey, I want to stay awake until AAA finds me.
Eventually they do, and I call my parents,
warning them I'm was in an accident and am on my way home,
AAA has me.

It was a long weekend, I realized all of it was my fault.
It is my fault for not really caring about my well-being, or my life.
It was a good wake-up call,
if I want to do well, I'm going to have to try do well, myself.